11.15.2010

The Angel - I Am Not

Take back the halo, I never asked for it. 

Don't need it, don't want it. It does not fit.

And I would not lie to keep control 


I know the halo you hold is a Slipknot for my soul.


Somewhere inside you must know that too.


Even if sublimated - the desire is dominating and it is dark.

You've tried every way to keep me tethered.


Should never have become necessary, you could have just let me love you.


You could have loved me for all that I am and all that I am not - not despite of.


Such contempt. So cold, so stark.


So vulnerable and desperate to believe in our love,


I crawled into your bed but when I was finally able to wake all hopes were already shattered.


Nothing at all still mattered. The leash snapped and trust was severed.


I am not your angel anymore. I am alone and I am free.


You're not my demon, you never were. You're not evil but you are toxic to me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
   
* In the 4th line Slipknot is capitilized because the line before was inspired by a line in the Slipknot's song Snuff, "Angels lie to keep control". Only that line is truly relevant to this poem b/c most if the song's sentiments are not at all the same as the ones I'm expressing here although they had been aligned to my feelings in the past.
 
I wanted to give credit where credit is due even though I've got no clue what they mean by 'Angels lie to keep control". I've listened to the song a dozen times and could sing all the lyrics along with it but I'd never truly heard that line before. It was synchronicity in action -  the video came on as I writing the poem and that line reasonated with me but in reverse.
 
I was already on the Angel theme because the ex-boyfriend this poem would say I was like an Angel for him (not as often as I was a selfish bitch or worse but enough). Even wrote a poem to that effect except it then stripped away the halo and denounced me as a liar. You can see why the line got my attention.


I had started with the Angel theme b/c the ex kept bestowing and snatching the imaginary halo usually based on equally imaginary slights but somtimes deservededly - as if I'd claimed to some sort of Angel which I sure as hell did not. I'm not perfect. Far from it actually but I always try to be generous and kind .
 
And I do not lie - well not anymore than you or the next person. But I never lie about the big important things or anything that matters to the people I love and to those that trust me. I just don't and sometimes that doesn't feel good for anyone involved but in every other relationship people have respected my truthfulness and it's led to a better relationship because we would talk it through.
  
Not so much in this relationship. It was easier sometimes for him to believe I was lying than to accept the hard truths I actually said. He'd rather forgive "my lies" than believe my words. Though to be fair he did rationalize it better than that.
He decided I wasn't really lying b/c I actually believed myself and thought whatever I was saying about I felt or percieved things was true although "in fact" my statements were untrue. Facts were determined by his completely unbiased observations and interpretations. Ironically his fanactical obbession with "the truth" ultimately destroyed us but that's an even longer story than this and thus best left for another post, probably in the Salty Sandbox blog.
 
Back to the song for a moment. I do actually like it a lot and you might as well. Right now you can download Snuff by Slipknot MP3 for Free courtesy of Roadrunner Records.
 
I'm not sure how long it'll be available so here's the link to Snuff at the Amazon.com MP3 store where you can download it for 99 cents. There's no annoying DRM resrtictions it's playable on any MP3 player including the iPod and iTouch.




Knowingly Drowning

Drowned in a river of tears.

Swallowed by emptiness.

Hurt by knowing too much.

Laughed at for knowing too little.

How can you win?









Good Advice for Writers on Publicizing and Promoting Your Works

If you're a writer or a blogger, you should read The Writer's Edge: Making Connections: What to Include in an Author Bio. It's an informative article w/ some great tips and ideas. It's by Paula Margulies, a book publicity and promotions expert in San Diego, California.

Check out Paula Marguilie's blog for more helpful info for authors including how-to articles, thoughts & advice, checklists and to-do lists. Also has info on some contests for previously published fiction. Her blog is focused on helping writers publicize their work by sharing the know-how and knowledge she gained working in working in marketing and public relations across several industries. If you're in interested in professional services for promoting your works then you should see her actual website www.paulamargulies.com for details on what she offers.

10.29.2010

Emotional Anarchist

Hotter than hell and as cold as ice,
a little sugar but mostly spice ,
using clichés that belie the depths of my intellect ,
deliberately confusing, annoyingly amusing, mostly for the fuck of it .
Why the crudity? Displaying my unpredictability,
or maybe I just misplaced my modesty.
So many facets, choices to reflect,
so many questions , all too easy to deflect.
Playfully engaging, pleasantly enraging,
not overly concerned with the staging,
the constraints are not my restraints,
amused by the pictures that your mirror paints.
Turn it around, I defy your heuristics,
just another, lovely, lonely emotional anarchist.







9.14.2010

The Wonderful World I Knew

Love is a lie, life is a game,
nothing matters but fortune and fame,
innocence is not a defense,
Now, its almost a capital offense.
The world is full of self-righteous fools,
overcrowded jails, hospitals and schools,
there's hookers, dealers and users,
cheaters, thieves, abusers,
there is blue collar and white collar,
dont matter, they are all out for the dollar.
Crime is high, congress corrupt,
wars and violence continuously erupt,
the world is dark, the future is bleak,
the world sure as hell doesn't belong to the meek,
its run by power and power is money,there's a price on everything, even freedom isn't free.
The truth is impossible to find,
in a world like this, to be innocent, is to be blind.
Originally Written Circa 1995

a Burden to Be

a Burden to Be
You really do not have to worry about enabling me.
dependent & pathetic is not how I want to be,
you think that I should be grateful to be alive,
but that thought is alien to me.
I struggle just to survive
another day of meaningless ponderings,
searching for truth through endless wonderings,
getting nowhere really fast,
knowing that this just cannot last.
I live for you, you are why I cry,
its my love for you that forces me to try,
you need me to be, so I persist,
but its not enough just to exist.
Please make me feel like a burden, a liability,
then I wont be a prisoner of your needs, Ill be free,
take back your support, take it all away,
then I wont feel obligated to face another day.
I cannot even talk to you, youll view it as a threat,
you are not able to see the truth that is in my regret,
youll feel a guilt-trip & perceive it as deathly unfair,
but you will never understand the depths of my despair.
And, maybe your are in the right, maybe I am guilty,
perhaps, I am the one who refuses to see.
It doesnt much matter, either way,
you'll always spend your money, & I'll always have to pay,
someday, the pain will transcend, & Ill consider the debt paid,
and then I will move on alone, but unafraid.
Originally posted on Myspace July 18, 2006




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Full Disclosure: I'm an Amazon affiliate so I make a few pennies per purchase you make following my links. I selected the best available on this subject so all are worth considering. Some are on sale at Amazon and are very good deals but others are may be available for less on other sites.



9.12.2010

Security Attacked


A false sense of security is giving me a very real sense of insecurity,

feeling so far from real, so very useless and so very ugly.

Wondering why it is that I always try,

and how much longer that I can deny,

the sickness that is within me, as it eats away my soul,

rendering me apart until I can no longer imagine the whole,

teasing me with rationality and lucidity,

only to prevent me from ever reaching normality.

Tell me how do I defend against such an attack?

Please, someone teach me how to bite it back.


Inspired by song "False Sense of Security" aka F.S.O.S. by The Exies.



9.11.2010

the Mountain in My Way

Seems the more I try to change, the more I stay the same,

struggling just to survive, not worried about fortune nor fame.

Looking for a reason to muddle through another day.

I was so close to the starting line, but a mountain was in my way.

Tried to burrow through, and couldn't find my way around.

Long before I began the climb, I found the way down.

Once again I stand before it, angry and confused,

my confidence is gone, my self-esteem abused.

Lost in an apathetic despair that is almost sublime,

now I am just trying to find the strength of will to began the climb.
Originally posted on MySpace May 29, 2006 



8.30.2010

Shadow Light

Shadows light,

shadows bright,

shadows chase my soul tonight.

Well, for the moment I'm running just as fast as I can,

because I've been there before & don't want to live through that again.

But I am so tired, and I am running out of breath,

am I really that sure that the shadows bring death?

Perhaps if I stand very, very still, they will just pass me by,

maybe, instead, I should try to search for a place to hide.

No, No, you've never given up so easily before,

and now you have found something worth living for.

If you cannot run anymore, then turn around & fight,

face the shadows, and take back the night.

Yes I can, yes I will,

death be damned, it's my time to kill,

I am the Lorax, and I speak for me,

I will do whatever I must to live & live free.



8.27.2010

The De-Bogglement Program AND the Story of My Life & Choices that Provoked this Atypical Poem


The De-Bogglement Program
I fell into a hole one day and just had to be productive,
and so I started digging, but then I just kept on digging — deeper and deeper,
guess I was waiting for someone to notice, hoping for a rescue or least some company,
because when I am rational, I know that I am my own worst enemy,
but no one did, although we exchanged politely meaningless "Hello, how are you"s as they passed by.
So I decided to burn some bridges,
I burned them backwards, and forwards, and from the side,
but that got me nothing aside from a few wrinkled foreheads.
No one ever asked how the fires got started,
not even when I stood there waving a lighter,
like I was at some kind of concert,
so I tried dancing in the ashes of the bridges that I burned.
Still no one noticed — so I tried a more direct approach and began ranting,
about finding a purpose, and some meaning, in this life,
and that went okay, until they realized that I didn't have a theory,
and was, in fact, asking them questions,
which is, apparently, a cause for concern,
because it was poured on so thick,
that it nearly filled up my neatly dug little hole,
and suddenly turned it into a sinkhole,
now I was starting to get desperate, because my little hole was now a bottomless pit
and there I was stuck without any bridges left.
I suppose that I could have followed the other people and tried to find the path to normality,
but I was determined to be heard, and to find a path that I could call my very own,
so I grabbed my shovel, and my pride, and began the arduous task of carving out my own path.
I worked furiously at first, doggedly pursuing each promising trail,
until recognizing the wasted time and efforts, and the ultimate futility of a directionless path.
Then I took a break, to access the situation,
and decided that I needed to determine an endpoint, or at least pick a consistent direction,
in order to efficiently forge a productive path.
With this new plan in mind, I began exploratory searches,
copiously making notes of areas worthy of further exploration,
but wasting no time or efforts pursuing them now,
because how could I make the best choice, or even a rational choice, if I didn't consider all the options available to me?
And it is so amazing to me that people speak about endless opportunities like its a good thing,
because frankly I just find it mind boggling,
and when my is boggled, I have to sort it out, before I try moving.
I have learned the hard way that my sense of direction and other sensory inputs become distorted,
if I try to move while still boggled,
and then I tend to crash into things, as I try to navigate and keep it under control,
when it feels like I am traveling at the speed of light.
Although, one time, I navigated, quite successfully, because I was able to disassociate my poor boggled brain
and I then assigned it a lower priority.
Unfortunately, the de-bogglement process was so significantly slowed that I had traveled quite a distance on autopilot,
before it became clear that there were some serious compatibility issues,
between the path and the freshly de-boggled brain.
Even now, it is not certain that the solution will ever be found.
So, yes, of course, I can try to move while still boggled,
but choosing to move now would not be the best choice, nor the most economical,
which you could also plainly see if you conducted a simple costs and benefits analysis,
as I do before choosing any course of action,
(be sure to include "utility" as a value).
In any event, these digressions, or more to the point, this explanation must soon come to an end,
because I really must devote all my processing power to the de-boggling task,
because my engine's been idling for so long now, I am beginning to worry about running out of fuel,
(can't remember the last time I gave the tank a second, or even a first, thought).
And, yes, I do appreciate your belated concern, and (more honestly) your support,
because this is the most difficult de-bogglement that I have ever faced,
and I have been forced to divert all my power & resources to the task,
to sort out the entanglements that have been hindering the process.
After a careful and thorough analysis, I have discovered that my original programming contained some faulty arguments that were the cause of the most serious error messages,
I was eventually able to identify the specific arguments and each of the revisions that must be made,
for the de-boggling task to run successfully.
And, yes, I am grateful that you have keeping watch over my more basic needs,
because all my work would be for the naught,
if I lacked the resources to execute the de-bogglement program.
But now that I have the proper program in place,
I really need for you to back off for awhile
because every time you reach and try to touch someone (namely me),
you divert resources that should be entirely devoted to de-boggling,
and it needlessly prolongs the process,
which has been consuming almost all of my memory, for way too long as it is.
So please, I beg of you, just leave me alone now,
as you did when I first fell into the fateful hole,
and when I burned all those bridges,
and then danced in the ashes.
Please limit your inquiries to the politely meaningless greetings that you so obviously felt were sufficient before.
And yes, I do realize that the situation is quite different now.
Honestly, I am just astounded that I had to cease all movement in order to attract your attention,
and I do thank for your help in maintaining essential functions,
while I searched for an uncorrupted operating system.
With it in place, and de-bogglement nearly complete,
I am ready to resume full control,
and I am afraid that I really must insist,
that the control switch is to be executed right now.
Oh, and by the way, I will be editing all the ACLs,*
and you will retain read privileges, only,
effective immediately,
as, ironically enough,
a majority of conflicts were caused by the share settings and inherited permissions.

* ACLs = Access Control Lists


I left this poem unedited as originally posted on Myspace years ago. I was quite raw back then but I am somewhat surprised to see how much I told the world straight up, I tend to camouflage in poetry. 


Having had time to heal and take back control of my life, I am even less comfortable putting it all out there. But it's already there and this is the medium that never forgets and there are lessons I learned through the original post that I don't ever want to forget. 


So w/o further ado, I pass control to you - should you choose to "Read More" you are not restricted to Read Only mode, you may choose to click a Reaction button or to comment. 

This poem is drastically different than any other poem I've ever written both in style & b/c I use very an abstract metaphor w/in an analogy so it requires a little background info about the events leading to that point in my life.
I wrote this in 2005, just shy of a year after deciding to give up my job as a corporate lawyer in a big NY city law firm because it was impossible to be true to myself & my values & to do my job. I spent just shy of year trying to figure out what to do with my life and who I wanted to be b/c I never wanted to be a lawyer. I went to law school b/c I didn't know what I wanted to do when I graduated college & everyone told it was a versatile degree & I could do anything I wanted afterwards. At the time it seemed like like a good idea b/c it gave me 3 more years to decide & I had always had an interest in law & poltics.
Unfortunately, I excelled in my 2 years b/c I loved the law in the abstract & b/c I wanted to prove everybody that thought I would just be average at Notre Dame b/c I went to a state college where I practically majored in drunken wild nights. Anyway, I say unfortunately b/c I landed that really lucrative position b/c of my grades which were not indicative of the hours & effort that I really wanted to work now that I didn't have anything to prove (at the firm, like many associates, I had a bed under my desk & slept at the office more often then not).
Having worked there for a summer, I already knew that I hated the actual practice of law but took the position anyway b/c I had a boat load of student loans to pay off & everyone around me insisted that it was the opportunity of lifetime that I'd be crazy to pass up. It was a bad decision b/c it wasn't really mine, I knew I'd be unhappy but I didn't want to disappoint my friends & family by 'not living up to my potential' which is a subject I cover quite directly in the poem titled appropriately enough "Potential."
During the year I w/drew from life, I was caught up in exitentialist ponderings & researching intensely every possible career path. That, law school, & my family is what this poem is all about. I had developed a serious interest in computers & programming at that time b/c I appreciated the logic behind them & that you could find defintive answers to problems so I spent a lot of time learning how they worked mostly by just doing. Hence the use of a computer as both an analogy & a metaphor.
I'd really appreciate some feedback on the style b/c it's so different from my norm, & as always, any thoughts or comments about the substance.




8.26.2010

Cruel Cycles

I am so completely miserable and I just do not know why,

can't even be bothered to cry.

So tired all the time, can't even get distracted,

feel like every part of me is frozen and fractured.

Just can't start or finish anything.

No energy to search for something,

anything that could bring back my smile,

anything that could occupy my mind for even a little while.

Too morose to even brood,

can barely make the effort to choke down food.

No one can help even though I want to save myself,

I want to be, to be anyone else,

because I am so fucking numb, I can't even feel the pain.

How much longer can I try, will my demons ever be slain?

Searching for nothing feels so strange.

All I have to hold onto is the knowledge that soon I'll feel again,

because this is just vicious and cruel cycle that has no end.

8.24.2010

Princess of Dumb Mistakes

I am a princess, the princess of dumb mistakes,
lived within a rigid frame where nothing bends - it only breaks.

Not going to bed-hop, but I will not lie in the one I made,
and I will not lie in yours, no, I'll just build another because I am not afraid.
Going to stand up and fight until each of my demons is slain,
I will not hold back and I will not be restrained.
It is time now for me to fly, for me to be free,
to be a flexible, bendable, better version of me.




8.20.2010

Brilliantly Tangled






8.19.2010

As I Am

 As I Am  

I am alone, not a slave to your beliefs,
I am immune, I am free,
I am who I want to be.
Can you take for who I am,

judgment be damned,
can you take me just as I am? 





~ My random reflections on this poem ~
2 songs by the Exies inspired my poem a few years ago. I embedded the videos that show the lyrics b/c it gives a little context to the poem and now I just find both songs inspiring. I listened to the 3rd one back then but it'd just make me sad, but now it gets me all fired up & ready to share my opinions ( pun entirely intended ). It's an interesting twist of the feelings but sometimes it's good to remember just how far I've come back into the world.

Back in 2004 I stopped caring about everything and just didn't bother with opinions at all. By the time I wrote this poem I cared enough to  start forming opinions about me and trying to convey them. Most importantly I finally cared enough to feel hurt but not enough to hold onto the anger in the song "My Opinion" & use it for the motivation I needed to try things out. It was a particularly harsh song for me to listen to back then b/c it would get me mad, am determined to prove something to somebody or at least myself. But I couldn't, and so went the cycle of anger and sadness - dejected is actually a better word for how I was feeling then. Now, I trying every day & that song gets me going with the anger.

Full Disclosure:
I also included a link that takes you directly to the Amazon.com MP3 store where it's just 0.99$ to download any of the songs that you like as well. That link is b/c I needed every pitiful % of the penny that I'd get if you click on it & buy the song from Amazon.

~ The 3 Songs by The Exies ~ The Exies MySpace Page in case you want more of them after hearing "Normal", "Ugly", and "My Opinion" here. The lyrics are shown for Normal & Ugly which is new to me so it was kinda cool to watch and convenient if you have keep the noise down. Anyway, thanks for reading all this, I'll be quiet now. Enjoy! :)

~ ~ ~  Normal  ~ ~ ~
 



~ ~ ~  Ugly  ~ ~ ~



 ~ ~ ~  My Opinion  ~ ~ ~



Have a wonder filled life!




8.18.2010

My Own Damn Boat

Strange how losing my mind ended up saving my life. 
Now that I'm done licking my wounds, I am ready to re-enter the strife,
because I'm stronger & I know just a little bit more,



then then I ever did before.
This time, I know that no matter how rocky it gets, I'll always stay afloat.
Because now I know that it has always been, & always will be, my own damn boat.That's right, my boat, to pilot to wherever I will.
The only danger now is that of standing still.