The Angel - I Am Not

Take back the halo, I never asked for it. 

Don't need it, don't want it. It does not fit.

And I would not lie to keep control 

I know the halo you hold is a Slipknot for my soul.


Somewhere inside you must know that too.


Even if sublimated - the desire is dominating and it is dark.

You've tried every way to keep me tethered.


Should never have become necessary, you could have just let me love you.


You could have loved me for all that I am and all that I am not - not despite of.


Such contempt. So cold, so stark.


So vulnerable and desperate to believe in our love,


I crawled into your bed but when I was finally able to wake all hopes were already shattered.


Nothing at all still mattered. The leash snapped and trust was severed.


I am not your angel anymore. I am alone and I am free.


You're not my demon, you never were. You're not evil but you are toxic to me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

   

* In the 4th line Slipknot is capitilized because the line before was inspired by a line in the Slipknot's song Snuff, "Angels lie to keep control". Only that line is truly relevant to this poem b/c most if the song's sentiments are not at all the same as the ones I'm expressing here although they had been aligned to my feelings in the past.
 
I wanted to give credit where credit is due even though I've got no clue what they mean by 'Angels lie to keep control". I've listened to the song a dozen times and could sing all the lyrics along with it but I'd never truly heard that line before. It was synchronicity in action -  the video came on as I writing the poem and that line reasonated with me but in reverse.
 
I was already on the Angel theme because the ex-boyfriend this poem would say I was like an Angel for him (not as often as I was a selfish bitch or worse but enough). Even wrote a poem to that effect except it then stripped away the halo and denounced me as a liar. You can see why the line got my attention.


I had started with the Angel theme b/c the ex kept bestowing and snatching the imaginary halo usually based on equally imaginary slights but somtimes deservededly - as if I'd claimed to some sort of Angel which I sure as hell did not. I'm not perfect. Far from it actually but I always try to be generous and kind .
 
And I do not lie - well not anymore than you or the next person. But I never lie about the big important things or anything that matters to the people I love and to those that trust me. I just don't and sometimes that doesn't feel good for anyone involved but in every other relationship people have respected my truthfulness and it's led to a better relationship because we would talk it through.
  
Not so much in this relationship. It was easier sometimes for him to believe I was lying than to accept the hard truths I actually said. He'd rather forgive "my lies" than believe my words. Though to be fair he did rationalize it better than that.
He decided I wasn't really lying b/c I actually believed myself and thought whatever I was saying about I felt or percieved things was true although "in fact" my statements were untrue. Facts were determined by his completely unbiased observations and interpretations. Ironically his fanactical obbession with "the truth" ultimately destroyed us but that's an even longer story than this and thus best left for another post, probably in the Salty Sandbox blog.
 
Back to the song for a moment. I do actually like it a lot and you might as well. Right now you can download Snuff by Slipknot MP3 for Free courtesy of Roadrunner Records.
 
I'm not sure how long it'll be available so here's the link to Snuff at the Amazon.com MP3 store where you can download it for 99 cents. There's no annoying DRM resrtictions it's playable on any MP3 player including the iPod and iTouch.




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Unsaid

Do not look at me with pity,
It's almost more than I can stand.
Do not pretend to empathize with me,
I am something that only an unlucky few can understand.
Sometimes I am nothing, sometimes I am everything,
and I have no idea if I will ever amount to anything.
Do I have the power to change, will I be just another life wasted?
Please express yourself because it hurts that so much is left unsaid,
I may be all fucked up and lost in confusion,
but you should not confuse that with delusion.
I can clearly see the mess that my life has become.
You can't save me so don't try, I am not even sure the battle can be won,
but I do know that I am the one with the power to try,

My Moody Music Picks atm & a Rant on the Failed Relationship that Inspired this Playlist

These are things I'd love to say to say to a certain somebody that obnoxiously persists in writing at me despite that the the romantic relationship completely and utterly failed in a way that makes any friendship impossible for me to even contemplate at the moment. Certainly the contact analyzing me & issuing fact-deprived judgments (declaratory sentences at the best of times) hasn't helped.

The songs aren't nice but a hell of lot nicer than any blog I'd write about it, lucky for that person I will not waste anymore of time on this. The lyrics from these clips are damn near perfect in expressing my feelings. & They are also really good songs I've already listened to many times in the past few years. I thought way too many songs off the top of my head. So it didn't take long to find ones that had the right lyrics in the clips. There's only 6 songs & I stopped there b/c I could put those  in an order that plays like a poem. Probably better than any poem I'd write right now.

That tangent aside, it's back to bitching picking up where I left off. No, I don't give a shit that about the nice emails b/c they mitigate nothing. I do give a shit about my cell-phone text inbox being so overflowed it's going to take over an hour just to sort through & delete. If I were to actually read them, it'd take all damn day.

Here's a tip for everybody who text that ought to be clear from common sense but apparently it's not. If someone's texts bounce back to you b/c they're inbox is full, it is NOT OK to keep texting b/c it'll be stored 'til they check. Have some decency - the person either does not want to read your crap or is overwhelmed and simply can't. Either way it's rude and annoying.

OK, so finally here's the musical poem of sorts. The clips are about 30 seconds. Click the barely visible arrow in the middle to play them. If you like what you hear & want to download MP3 just click on it. Costs .99 cents per song and they are DRM free so you can play it on any device & do whatever else you want to it b/c Amazon.com is good like that (hint hint Real Player). Full Disclosure: if you do click and buy from here I get a few pennies from Amazon.com which I'd appreciate a lot by the way :) Enjoy!

An Unquiet Warning

It is so silent but so unquiet,
not quite the fucking riot,
that I was hoping for.
I am moody, I am brooding, and I don't want to think anymore.
I want to get angry, I want to get mad,
I want to throw the biggest temper tantrum that I've ever had.
It is all bottled up, ready to ignite,

Forgive You Not

You could not beat the world,
No, you could only hurt children.
You found a way to feel powerful,
by hurting the child who trusted you.
Who could stay innocent in those conditions?
Who could have fun and play?
No one and I did not.
I grew up fast.
And now I know
you have never grown.
I'd like to hurt you,
and make you scream,
but that is not me.
No, instead I pity you.
Do not mistake that for forgiveness.