The Angel - I Am Not

Take back the halo, I never asked for it. 

Don't need it, don't want it. It does not fit.

And I would not lie to keep control 

I know the halo you hold is a Slipknot for my soul.


Somewhere inside you must know that too.


Even if sublimated - the desire is dominating and it is dark.

You've tried every way to keep me tethered.


Should never have become necessary, you could have just let me love you.


You could have loved me for all that I am and all that I am not - not despite of.


Such contempt. So cold, so stark.


So vulnerable and desperate to believe in our love,


I crawled into your bed but when I was finally able to wake all hopes were already shattered.


Nothing at all still mattered. The leash snapped and trust was severed.


I am not your angel anymore. I am alone and I am free.


You're not my demon, you never were. You're not evil but you are toxic to me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

   

* In the 4th line Slipknot is capitilized because the line before was inspired by a line in the Slipknot's song Snuff, "Angels lie to keep control". Only that line is truly relevant to this poem b/c most if the song's sentiments are not at all the same as the ones I'm expressing here although they had been aligned to my feelings in the past.
 
I wanted to give credit where credit is due even though I've got no clue what they mean by 'Angels lie to keep control". I've listened to the song a dozen times and could sing all the lyrics along with it but I'd never truly heard that line before. It was synchronicity in action -  the video came on as I writing the poem and that line reasonated with me but in reverse.
 
I was already on the Angel theme because the ex-boyfriend this poem would say I was like an Angel for him (not as often as I was a selfish bitch or worse but enough). Even wrote a poem to that effect except it then stripped away the halo and denounced me as a liar. You can see why the line got my attention.


I had started with the Angel theme b/c the ex kept bestowing and snatching the imaginary halo usually based on equally imaginary slights but somtimes deservededly - as if I'd claimed to some sort of Angel which I sure as hell did not. I'm not perfect. Far from it actually but I always try to be generous and kind .
 
And I do not lie - well not anymore than you or the next person. But I never lie about the big important things or anything that matters to the people I love and to those that trust me. I just don't and sometimes that doesn't feel good for anyone involved but in every other relationship people have respected my truthfulness and it's led to a better relationship because we would talk it through.
  
Not so much in this relationship. It was easier sometimes for him to believe I was lying than to accept the hard truths I actually said. He'd rather forgive "my lies" than believe my words. Though to be fair he did rationalize it better than that.
He decided I wasn't really lying b/c I actually believed myself and thought whatever I was saying about I felt or percieved things was true although "in fact" my statements were untrue. Facts were determined by his completely unbiased observations and interpretations. Ironically his fanactical obbession with "the truth" ultimately destroyed us but that's an even longer story than this and thus best left for another post, probably in the Salty Sandbox blog.
 
Back to the song for a moment. I do actually like it a lot and you might as well. Right now you can download Snuff by Slipknot MP3 for Free courtesy of Roadrunner Records.
 
I'm not sure how long it'll be available so here's the link to Snuff at the Amazon.com MP3 store where you can download it for 99 cents. There's no annoying DRM resrtictions it's playable on any MP3 player including the iPod and iTouch.




Tweet

Shadow Light

Shadows light,

shadows bright,

shadows chase my soul tonight.

Well, for the moment I'm running just as fast as I can,

because I've been there before & don't want to live through that again.

But I am so tired, and I am running out of breath,

am I really that sure that the shadows bring death?

Perhaps if I stand very, very still, they will just pass me by,

maybe, instead, I should try to search for a place to hide.

No, No, you've never given up so easily before,

and now you have found something worth living for.

If you cannot run anymore, then turn around & fight,

face the shadows, and take back the night.

Yes I can, yes I will,

death be damned, it's my time to kill,

I am the Lorax, and I speak for me,

I will do whatever I must to live & live free.


Tweet

The De-Bogglement Program AND the Story of My Life & Choices that Provoked this Atypical Poem

The De-Bogglement Program

I fell into a hole one day and just had to be productive,

and so I started digging, but then I just kept on digging — deeper and deeper,

guess I was waiting for someone to notice, hoping for a rescue or least some company,

because when I am rational, I know that I am my own worst enemy,

but no one did, although we exchanged politely meaningless "Hello, how are you"s as they passed by.

So I decided to burn some bridges,

I burned them backwards, and forwards, and from the side,

but that got me nothing aside from a few wrinkled foreheads.

No one ever asked how the fires got started,

not even when I stood there waving a lighter,

like I was at some kind of concert,

so I tried dancing in the ashes of the bridges that I burned.

Still no one noticed — so I tried a more direct approach and began ranting,

about finding a purpose, and some meaning, in this life,

and that went okay, until they realized that I didn't have a theory,

and was, in fact, asking them questions,

which is, apparently, a cause for concern,

because it was poured on so thick,

that it nearly filled up my neatly dug little hole,

and suddenly turned it into a sinkhole,

now I was starting to get desperate, because my little hole was now a bottomless pit

and there I was stuck without any bridges left.

I suppose that I could have followed the other people and tried to find the path to normality,

but I was determined to be heard, and to find a path that I could call my very own,

so I grabbed my shovel, and my pride, and began the arduous task of carving out my own path.

I worked furiously at first, doggedly pursuing each promising trail,

until recognizing the wasted time and efforts, and the ultimate futility of a directionless path.

Then I took a break, to access the situation,

and decided that I needed to determine an endpoint, or at least pick a consistent direction,

in order to efficiently forge a productive path.

With this new plan in mind, I began exploratory searches,

copiously making notes of areas worthy of further exploration,

but wasting no time or efforts pursuing them now,

because how could I make the best choice, or even a rational choice, if I didn't consider all the options available to me?

And it is so amazing to me that people speak about endless opportunities like its a good thing,

because frankly I just find it mind boggling,

and when my is boggled, I have to sort it out, before I try moving.

I have learned the hard way that my sense of direction and other sensory inputs become distorted,

if I try to move while still boggled,

and then I tend to crash into things, as I try to navigate and keep it under control,

when it feels like I am traveling at the speed of light.

Although, one time, I navigated, quite successfully, because I was able to disassociate my poor boggled brain

and I then assigned it a lower priority.

Unfortunately, the de-bogglement process was so significantly slowed that I had traveled quite a distance on autopilot,

before it became clear that there were some serious compatibility issues,

between the path and the freshly de-boggled brain.

Even now, it is not certain that the solution will ever be found.

So, yes, of course, I can try to move while still boggled,

but choosing to move now would not be the best choice, nor the most economical,

which you could also plainly see if you conducted a simple costs and benefits analysis,

as I do before choosing any course of action,

(be sure to include "utility" as a value).

In any event, these digressions, or more to the point, this explanation must soon come to an end,

because I really must devote all my processing power to the de-boggling task,

because my engine's been idling for so long now, I am beginning to worry about running out of fuel,

(can't remember the last time I gave the tank a second, or even a first, thought).

And, yes, I do appreciate your belated concern, and (more honestly) your support,

because this is the most difficult de-bogglement that I have ever faced,

and I have been forced to divert all my power & resources to the task,

to sort out the entanglements that have been hindering the process.

After a careful and thorough analysis, I have discovered that my original programming contained some faulty arguments that were the cause of the most serious error messages,

I was eventually able to identify the specific arguments and each of the revisions that must be made,

for the de-boggling task to run successfully.

And, yes, I am grateful that you have keeping watch over my more basic needs,

because all my work would be for the naught,

if I lacked the resources to execute the de-bogglement program.

But now that I have the proper program in place,

I really need for you to back off for awhile

because every time you reach and try to touch someone (namely me),

you divert resources that should be entirely devoted to de-boggling,

and it needlessly prolongs the process,

which has been consuming almost all of my memory, for way too long as it is.

So please, I beg of you, just leave me alone now,

as you did when I first fell into the fateful hole,

and when I burned all those bridges,

and then danced in the ashes.

Please limit your inquiries to the politely meaningless greetings that you so obviously felt were sufficient before.

And yes, I do realize that the situation is quite different now.

Honestly, I am just astounded that I had to cease all movement in order to attract your attention,

and I do thank for your help in maintaining essential functions,

while I searched for an uncorrupted operating system.

With it in place, and de-bogglement nearly complete,

I am ready to resume full control,

and I am afraid that I really must insist,

that the control switch is to be executed right now.

Oh, and by the way, I will be editing all the ACLs,*

and you will retain read privileges, only,

effective immediately,

as, ironically enough,

a majority of conflicts were caused by the share settings and inherited permissions.

* ACLs = Access Control Lists

I left this poem unedited as originally posted on Myspace years ago. I was quite raw back then but I am somewhat surprised to see how much I told the world straight up, I tend to camouflage in poetry. 


Having had time to heal and take back control of my life, I am even less comfortable putting it all out there. But it's already there and this is the medium that never forgets and there are lessons I learned through the original post that I don't ever want to forget. 


So w/o further ado, I pass control to you - should you choose to "Read More" you are not restricted to Read Only mode, you may choose to click a Reaction button or to comment. 

This poem is drastically different than any other poem I've ever written both in style & b/c I use very an abstract metaphor w/in an analogy so it requires a little background info about the events leading to that point in my life.

I wrote this in 2005, just shy of a year after deciding to give up my job as a corporate lawyer in a big NY city law firm because it was impossible to be true to myself & my values & to do my job. I spent just shy of year trying to figure out what to do with my life and who I wanted to be b/c I never wanted to be a lawyer. I went to law school b/c I didn't know what I wanted to do when I graduated college & everyone told it was a versatile degree & I could do anything I wanted afterwards. At the time it seemed like like a good idea b/c it gave me 3 more years to decide & I had always had an interest in law & poltics.

Unfortunately, I excelled in my 2 years b/c I loved the law in the abstract & b/c I wanted to prove everybody that thought I would just be average at Notre Dame b/c I went to a state college where I practically majored in drunken wild nights. Anyway, I say unfortunately b/c I landed that really lucrative position b/c of my grades which were not indicative of the hours & effort that I really wanted to work now that I didn't have anything to prove (at the firm, like many associates, I had a bed under my desk & slept at the office more often then not).

Having worked there for a summer, I already knew that I hated the actual practice of law but took the position anyway b/c I had a boat load of student loans to pay off & everyone around me insisted that it was the opportunity of lifetime that I'd be crazy to pass up. It was a bad decision b/c it wasn't really mine, I knew I'd be unhappy but I didn't want to disappoint my friends & family by 'not living up to my potential' which is a subject I cover quite directly in the poem titled appropriately enough "Potential."

During the year I w/drew from life, I was caught up in exitentialist ponderings & researching intensely every possible career path. That, law school, & my family is what this poem is all about. I had developed a serious interest in computers & programming at that time b/c I appreciated the logic behind them & that you could find defintive answers to problems so I spent a lot of time learning how they worked mostly by just doing. Hence the use of a computer as both an analogy & a metaphor.

I'd really appreciate some feedback on the style b/c it's so different from my norm, & as always, any thoughts or comments about the substance.

Topping It Off

I’m not cynical, just detachedly clinical.

Tell me, how do you feel now that you’'ve reached the pinnacle?

Are you happy yet ? Can you touch the sky?

Now that you have it all, do you want to die?

Or live it up and risk the fall?

Are you straddling or standing tall?

Still trying to balance and hold onto it all?

The choice is there — it’s time to raise or call.

Evolving Solution

When life was just a game, I loved to play.

But suddenly it’s real — ultimately surreal.

And the stakes are higher than I ever thought they’d be.

There’s no endgame, but still a need for strategy.

They may patronize, but still I strategize for a goal I’ve yet to realize.

The pieces fit, I know this, I watched as they fell apart.

Never quite picked them up but I came alive —

Tabula Rasa, slightly faded and just a little jaded.

Started anew but now thinking I should go back.

Pick up those pieces and puzzle it out because

as I’ve been reflecting on the evidence I’ve been collecting,

I have seen so many memories I’ve been neglecting.

I knew so much more than I ever gave myself credit for.

I had the certainty that comes with clarity.

I simply lacked the confidence to bring it into reality.

So afraid of being mistaken that my whole world collapsed when it was suddenly shaken.

I chose to build a house of cards and for a long while it held high,

but it was never strong and I wasn’t meant to fly.

A puzzle, put together rationally, held together by confidence and unshakable belief

will withstand, because I finally understand.

I was never the problem, I am the solution.

And I have the will, the way and, the resolution.

I don’t need a revolution, this is simply evolution.

I Do....

Confusion of delusion, ultimately an elusive illusion.
Never clear enough to see through, never close enough to dispel or perhaps too close causing the unwell swell.
But rip it away, stripped bare, naked — —vulnerable and scared.
Suddenly aware there were never separate versions, simply illusory dispersions and desperate aversions.
Tired of hiding, standing up tall, let them look, I will not fall.
Finding comfort in just my own skin, knowing there's nothing to win, only so very much to lose.
It is my reality, maybe it's yours too —— only the solution matters and it is self evident.

I simply have to choose.
To be. Don't try. Just live.
Nothing to prove.
A simple choice in essence.
I Do.

Reset Forget

Forgive,

Forget,

Nothing yet.

Remember to forget.

No, nothing yet.


Forget

To Remember,

No, still nothing yet.

Never forget,

Never forgive,

Just let go, let the balance reset.

Potential

Was just another stupid genius,

never considered how I'd hold up under the pressure,
sorry that I couldn't keep it together,
my soul melted as I burned so brightly,
guess you never believed that was my potential.
The sad thing is that it's something that I have always known,
and at some point, I just ceased to care,
l lived up to it just to prove I could, and would.
But I almost destroyed myself in proving that point,
and now I have nothing left,
nothing left to lose,
nothing left to prove.
And now I have everything,
everything to do again,
a second chance,
a chance to change,
rearrange my priorities,
and to remember that my potential is to just be me.

My Alternate Universe

I face my reality, as it is, a curse.
I know that I live in my own alternate universe.
But I am not alone, there are other's that dwell here,
in this place, this in between, a realm of hope, belied by fear.
On this planet, truths are profound but too often hidden.
In this world, all meaningful connections are forbidden,
only introspection and existentialist pondering are permitted.
All who dwelled here, and who were able, have long since fled.
Those, like me, who are lost in thought still remain,
bound by the uncompromising laws of pain,
broken by silence, surrounded but alone,
silently seeking sins to atone.
We can see the universe in which you all live,
and some of us are able to forgive,
that you can not, or will not, choose to see us,
although our alternate world, is parallel to your universe.

Save Yourself

Wake up, no one is waiting to save you.
Face it, nobody is there to save you.
Find, or make, a method to your madness.
Create an outlet for you sadness -
let it all out for the world to see.
Do not hide within or you'll never be free.
Get up, move, go out and do something - anything.
Once you've found a path, you can begin to mend.

Now or Never - Undecided

Now or Never

How will I laugh tomorrow when I can't even smile today?

Why should communicate when I have nothing to say?

I've spoken out before & learned that nobody hears.

Being intimate and being alone are my deepest fears,

a rock and a hard place, not where I want to be.

Choices must be made, but extremes are the only thing that I see.

All the options have been laid out, and all the variables defined,

no more excuses, but still I feel confined,

a prisoner of my doubts and insecurity,

unsure of the wisdom that begs to set me free.

I have come to the point of now or never,

but it seems that my indecision can, and will, last forever.

   Choose                 

Choose the dark or choose the light.

Choose to lose or choose to fight.

Choose reason or passion to be in command.

Don't stand idle or you will not stand.

Choose to love or choose to hate.

Blame yourself or blame fate.

The choice is there is must be made.

The game is on it must be played.

 




Songs that came to mind as I re-read this poem which was written  in the '90s!

MP3s available at Amazon ~