the Mountain in My Way

Seems the more I try to change, the more I stay the same,

struggling just to survive, not worried about fortune nor fame.

Looking for a reason to muddle through another day.

I was so close to the starting line, but a mountain was in my way.

Tried to burrow through, and couldn't find my way around.

Long before I began the climb, I found the way down.

Once again I stand before it, angry and confused,

my confidence is gone, my self-esteem abused.

Lost in an apathetic despair that is almost sublime,

now I am just trying to find the strength of will to began the climb.

Originally posted on MySpace May 29, 2006 

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Shadow Light

Shadows light,

shadows bright,

shadows chase my soul tonight.

Well, for the moment I'm running just as fast as I can,

because I've been there before & don't want to live through that again.

But I am so tired, and I am running out of breath,

am I really that sure that the shadows bring death?

Perhaps if I stand very, very still, they will just pass me by,

maybe, instead, I should try to search for a place to hide.

No, No, you've never given up so easily before,

and now you have found something worth living for.

If you cannot run anymore, then turn around & fight,

face the shadows, and take back the night.

Yes I can, yes I will,

death be damned, it's my time to kill,

I am the Lorax, and I speak for me,

I will do whatever I must to live & live free.


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Princess of Dumb Mistakes

I am a princess, the princess of dumb mistakes,
lived within a rigid frame where nothing bends - it only breaks.

Not going to bed-hop, but I will not lie in the one I made,
and I will not lie in yours, no, I'll just build another because I am not afraid.
Going to stand up and fight until each of my demons is slain,
I will not hold back and I will not be restrained.
It is time now for me to fly, for me to be free,
to be a flexible, bendable, better version of me.

My Own Damn Boat

Strange how losing my mind ended up saving my life. 
Now that I'm done licking my wounds, I am ready to re-enter the strife,
because I'm stronger & I know just a little bit more,



then then I ever did before.
This time, I know that no matter how rocky it gets, I'll always stay afloat.
Because now I know that it has always been, & always will be, my own damn boat.That's right, my boat, to pilot to wherever I will.
The only danger now is that of standing still.

Evolving Solution

When life was just a game, I loved to play.

But suddenly it’s real — ultimately surreal.

And the stakes are higher than I ever thought they’d be.

There’s no endgame, but still a need for strategy.

They may patronize, but still I strategize for a goal I’ve yet to realize.

The pieces fit, I know this, I watched as they fell apart.

Never quite picked them up but I came alive —

Tabula Rasa, slightly faded and just a little jaded.

Started anew but now thinking I should go back.

Pick up those pieces and puzzle it out because

as I’ve been reflecting on the evidence I’ve been collecting,

I have seen so many memories I’ve been neglecting.

I knew so much more than I ever gave myself credit for.

I had the certainty that comes with clarity.

I simply lacked the confidence to bring it into reality.

So afraid of being mistaken that my whole world collapsed when it was suddenly shaken.

I chose to build a house of cards and for a long while it held high,

but it was never strong and I wasn’t meant to fly.

A puzzle, put together rationally, held together by confidence and unshakable belief

will withstand, because I finally understand.

I was never the problem, I am the solution.

And I have the will, the way and, the resolution.

I don’t need a revolution, this is simply evolution.

I Do....

Confusion of delusion, ultimately an elusive illusion.
Never clear enough to see through, never close enough to dispel or perhaps too close causing the unwell swell.
But rip it away, stripped bare, naked — —vulnerable and scared.
Suddenly aware there were never separate versions, simply illusory dispersions and desperate aversions.
Tired of hiding, standing up tall, let them look, I will not fall.
Finding comfort in just my own skin, knowing there's nothing to win, only so very much to lose.
It is my reality, maybe it's yours too —— only the solution matters and it is self evident.

I simply have to choose.
To be. Don't try. Just live.
Nothing to prove.
A simple choice in essence.
I Do.

From Darkness to Life

The darkness of the night used to be my comfort,
a time I felt was all mine,
no prying eyes, no concerned voices,
just me and the stars burning bright.
But now I find that my mood becomes as dark as the hour of the night,
then as the sun rises, my mood lightens, & I start feeling alright,
and yet, still, I do not sleep,
though I am grateful that I no longer weep.
From despair to random acts of crying,
from fantasies of death to fantasies of actually trying,
from helpless indecision to a hopeful future vision,
from overwhelming anxiety to just plain fear,
from self-imposed isolation to talking with those I hold dear,
from painful existentialist ponderings to just being me.
from the depths of despair and the bowels of apathy,
I have climbed.
Now, I am clawing my up to being healthy & secure,
and I know that I'll make it, because now I know that I someone worth fighting for.