the Mountain in My Way

Seems the more I try to change, the more I stay the same,

struggling just to survive, not worried about fortune nor fame.

Looking for a reason to muddle through another day.

I was so close to the starting line, but a mountain was in my way.

Tried to burrow through, and couldn't find my way around.

Long before I began the climb, I found the way down.

Once again I stand before it, angry and confused,

my confidence is gone, my self-esteem abused.

Lost in an apathetic despair that is almost sublime,

now I am just trying to find the strength of will to began the climb.

Originally posted on MySpace May 29, 2006 

Tweet

Cruel Cycles

I am so completely miserable and I just do not know why,

can't even be bothered to cry.

So tired all the time, can't even get distracted,

feel like every part of me is frozen and fractured.

Just can't start or finish anything.

No energy to search for something,

anything that could bring back my smile,

anything that could occupy my mind for even a little while.

Too morose to even brood,

can barely make the effort to choke down food.

No one can help even though I want to save myself,

I want to be, to be anyone else,

because I am so fucking numb, I can't even feel the pain.

How much longer can I try, will my demons ever be slain?

Searching for nothing feels so strange.

All I have to hold onto is the knowledge that soon I'll feel again,

because this is just vicious and cruel cycle that has no end.
Tweet

The Wall Will Fall Eventually

My philosophy is that things are just as bad as they seem.

If my life were gymnastics I'd be straddling the balance beam.
If my life were a sport, I'd still be in the locker room.
And if I were a frightful witch,
I'd still be looking for my broom.
I am sitting on wall and feeling like Humpty-Dumpty -

Haunting Questions

Where are you, why do haunt me?

Who are you, what do you want to be?

Will you help me, will you hold me down?

Will you free me, or will you keep me bound?

Do you love me, are you consumed by hate?

Do we have a choice, could it be fate?

Will you be angry, or will you be sad?

Will you know what I've done, the lovers I've had?

Will you care, will you make it right?

Will you give it up or is it worth the fight?

Will you find me, or continue to taunt?

Will it be forever or will I become a haunt?

My Alternate Universe

I face my reality, as it is, a curse.
I know that I live in my own alternate universe.
But I am not alone, there are other's that dwell here,
in this place, this in between, a realm of hope, belied by fear.
On this planet, truths are profound but too often hidden.
In this world, all meaningful connections are forbidden,
only introspection and existentialist pondering are permitted.
All who dwelled here, and who were able, have long since fled.
Those, like me, who are lost in thought still remain,
bound by the uncompromising laws of pain,
broken by silence, surrounded but alone,
silently seeking sins to atone.
We can see the universe in which you all live,
and some of us are able to forgive,
that you can not, or will not, choose to see us,
although our alternate world, is parallel to your universe.

Looking For A Dream

Hello, out there, I am looking for dream. Is there anyone out there who knows what I mean?
Can I explain it, lay it on the line?
I am looking for a vision to occupy my time,
something to look forward to, something to long for,
some kind of aim, a direction, but really something more.
I need to finalize my plans, I need a dream,
these aimless wandering have me at the point where I need to scream.
He had a dream, how did he find it?
Show me a fire that hasn't already been lit,
or show me a firelight that I want to follow.
I am hungry, give me any dream to swallow,
without a dream I am alone and hollow.
Please help me, help me find a dream to follow.

Getting What I Deserve

They say that you get what you deserve,
and that's what really hurts.
I am to blame, me & only me,
I am trapped within myself & can't break free.
I am cynical, silent, & jaded,
broken, alone, & faded,
lost in a nightmare that I've created.
Chased and torn asunder by the fears that I've fed.
I started first, but finished last.
They say my future is in my past,

Help Me Believe

I can't control myself, help me believe,
I can't escape myself, help me break free.
Somebody help me through this nightmare.
I'll let you in, lay myself bare,
if you'll just help me believe,

Now or Never - Undecided

Now or Never

How will I laugh tomorrow when I can't even smile today?

Why should communicate when I have nothing to say?

I've spoken out before & learned that nobody hears.

Being intimate and being alone are my deepest fears,

a rock and a hard place, not where I want to be.

Choices must be made, but extremes are the only thing that I see.

All the options have been laid out, and all the variables defined,

no more excuses, but still I feel confined,

a prisoner of my doubts and insecurity,

unsure of the wisdom that begs to set me free.

I have come to the point of now or never,

but it seems that my indecision can, and will, last forever.

Touching Word Play

Who is Questioning?

Why can't I love,
why can't I trust?
I want to,
I do, but I cannot.
What scars do I have,
What pain has made me numb?
I wish I could tell,
I do, but I cannot.
Why do I try,