a Burden to Be

a Burden to Be

You really do not have to worry about enabling me.

dependent & pathetic is not how I want to be,

you think that I should be grateful to be alive,

but that thought is alien to me.

I struggle just to survive

another day of meaningless ponderings,

searching for truth through endless wonderings,

getting nowhere really fast,

knowing that this just cannot last.

I live for you, you are why I cry,

its my love for you that forces me to try,

you need me to be, so I persist,

but its not enough just to exist.

Please make me feel like a burden, a liability,

then I wont be a prisoner of your needs, Ill be free,

take back your support, take it all away,

then I wont feel obligated to face another day.

I cannot even talk to you, youll view it as a threat,

you are not able to see the truth that is in my regret,

youll feel a guilt-trip & perceive it as deathly unfair,

but you will never understand the depths of my despair.

And, maybe your are in the right, maybe I am guilty,

perhaps, I am the one who refuses to see.

It doesnt much matter, either way,

you'll always spend your money, & I'll always have to pay,

someday, the pain will transcend, & Ill consider the debt paid,

and then I will move on alone, but unafraid.

Originally posted on Myspace July 18, 2006

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Cruel Cycles

I am so completely miserable and I just do not know why,

can't even be bothered to cry.

So tired all the time, can't even get distracted,

feel like every part of me is frozen and fractured.

Just can't start or finish anything.

No energy to search for something,

anything that could bring back my smile,

anything that could occupy my mind for even a little while.

Too morose to even brood,

can barely make the effort to choke down food.

No one can help even though I want to save myself,

I want to be, to be anyone else,

because I am so fucking numb, I can't even feel the pain.

How much longer can I try, will my demons ever be slain?

Searching for nothing feels so strange.

All I have to hold onto is the knowledge that soon I'll feel again,

because this is just vicious and cruel cycle that has no end.
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Tried It Your Way . . . What a Dumb Way

Hey, hey I tried it your way,
going slow, taking it day by day,
gave my love freely,
and waited for it to come back to me,
I didn't hold back, I spoke straight from the heart,
yeah, I tried it your way and it tore me apart.

Innocent No More

There was a time I was innocent, that was long ago.

Then hurt and pain I did not know.

I saw the world through a child's eyes,

I believed in truth until I was shown the lies.

I had not learned the meaning of tears,

I had given my love without any fears,

but I've been hurt, my love abused,

I've been a fool, and I've been used.

I learned the rules of the game,

now I play without any shame.

The trusting innocent I am no longer,

I hit the bottom and came out stronger.