The Angel - I Am Not

Take back the halo, I never asked for it. 

Don't need it, don't want it. It does not fit.

And I would not lie to keep control 

I know the halo you hold is a Slipknot for my soul.


Somewhere inside you must know that too.


Even if sublimated - the desire is dominating and it is dark.

You've tried every way to keep me tethered.


Should never have become necessary, you could have just let me love you.


You could have loved me for all that I am and all that I am not - not despite of.


Such contempt. So cold, so stark.


So vulnerable and desperate to believe in our love,


I crawled into your bed but when I was finally able to wake all hopes were already shattered.


Nothing at all still mattered. The leash snapped and trust was severed.


I am not your angel anymore. I am alone and I am free.


You're not my demon, you never were. You're not evil but you are toxic to me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

   

* In the 4th line Slipknot is capitilized because the line before was inspired by a line in the Slipknot's song Snuff, "Angels lie to keep control". Only that line is truly relevant to this poem b/c most if the song's sentiments are not at all the same as the ones I'm expressing here although they had been aligned to my feelings in the past.
 
I wanted to give credit where credit is due even though I've got no clue what they mean by 'Angels lie to keep control". I've listened to the song a dozen times and could sing all the lyrics along with it but I'd never truly heard that line before. It was synchronicity in action -  the video came on as I writing the poem and that line reasonated with me but in reverse.
 
I was already on the Angel theme because the ex-boyfriend this poem would say I was like an Angel for him (not as often as I was a selfish bitch or worse but enough). Even wrote a poem to that effect except it then stripped away the halo and denounced me as a liar. You can see why the line got my attention.


I had started with the Angel theme b/c the ex kept bestowing and snatching the imaginary halo usually based on equally imaginary slights but somtimes deservededly - as if I'd claimed to some sort of Angel which I sure as hell did not. I'm not perfect. Far from it actually but I always try to be generous and kind .
 
And I do not lie - well not anymore than you or the next person. But I never lie about the big important things or anything that matters to the people I love and to those that trust me. I just don't and sometimes that doesn't feel good for anyone involved but in every other relationship people have respected my truthfulness and it's led to a better relationship because we would talk it through.
  
Not so much in this relationship. It was easier sometimes for him to believe I was lying than to accept the hard truths I actually said. He'd rather forgive "my lies" than believe my words. Though to be fair he did rationalize it better than that.
He decided I wasn't really lying b/c I actually believed myself and thought whatever I was saying about I felt or percieved things was true although "in fact" my statements were untrue. Facts were determined by his completely unbiased observations and interpretations. Ironically his fanactical obbession with "the truth" ultimately destroyed us but that's an even longer story than this and thus best left for another post, probably in the Salty Sandbox blog.
 
Back to the song for a moment. I do actually like it a lot and you might as well. Right now you can download Snuff by Slipknot MP3 for Free courtesy of Roadrunner Records.
 
I'm not sure how long it'll be available so here's the link to Snuff at the Amazon.com MP3 store where you can download it for 99 cents. There's no annoying DRM resrtictions it's playable on any MP3 player including the iPod and iTouch.




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As I Am

 As I Am  

I am alone, not a slave to your beliefs,
I am immune, I am free,
I am who I want to be.
Can you take for who I am,
judgment be damned,
can you take me just as I am? 





~ My random reflections on this poem ~
2 songs by the Exies inspired my poem a few years ago. I embedded the videos that show the lyrics b/c it gives a little context to the poem and now I just find both songs inspiring. I listened to the 3rd one back then but it'd just make me sad, but now it gets me all fired up & ready to share my opinions ( pun entirely intended ). It's an interesting twist of the feelings but sometimes it's good to remember just how far I've come back into the world.

Back in 2004 I stopped caring about everything and just didn't bother with opinions at all. By the time I wrote this poem I cared enough to  start forming opinions about me and trying to convey them. Most importantly I finally cared enough to feel hurt but not enough to hold onto the anger in the song "My Opinion" & use it for the motivation I needed to try things out. It was a particularly harsh song for me to listen to back then b/c it would get me mad, am determined to prove something to somebody or at least myself. But I couldn't, and so went the cycle of anger and sadness - dejected is actually a better word for how I was feeling then. Now, I trying every day & that song gets me going with the anger.

Full Disclosure:
I also included a link that takes you directly to the Amazon.com MP3 store where it's just 0.99$ to download any of the songs that you like as well. That link is b/c I needed every pitiful % of the penny that I'd get if you click on it & buy the song from Amazon.

~ The 3 Songs by The Exies ~ The Exies MySpace Page in case you want more of them after hearing "Normal", "Ugly", and "My Opinion" here. The lyrics are shown for Normal & Ugly which is new to me so it was kinda cool to watch and convenient if you have keep the noise down. Anyway, thanks for reading all this, I'll be quiet now. Enjoy! :)

~ ~ ~  Normal  ~ ~ ~
 



~ ~ ~  Ugly  ~ ~ ~



 ~ ~ ~  My Opinion  ~ ~ ~

Have a wonder filled life!

Evolving Solution

When life was just a game, I loved to play.

But suddenly it’s real — ultimately surreal.

And the stakes are higher than I ever thought they’d be.

There’s no endgame, but still a need for strategy.

They may patronize, but still I strategize for a goal I’ve yet to realize.

The pieces fit, I know this, I watched as they fell apart.

Never quite picked them up but I came alive —

Tabula Rasa, slightly faded and just a little jaded.

Started anew but now thinking I should go back.

Pick up those pieces and puzzle it out because

as I’ve been reflecting on the evidence I’ve been collecting,

I have seen so many memories I’ve been neglecting.

I knew so much more than I ever gave myself credit for.

I had the certainty that comes with clarity.

I simply lacked the confidence to bring it into reality.

So afraid of being mistaken that my whole world collapsed when it was suddenly shaken.

I chose to build a house of cards and for a long while it held high,

but it was never strong and I wasn’t meant to fly.

A puzzle, put together rationally, held together by confidence and unshakable belief

will withstand, because I finally understand.

I was never the problem, I am the solution.

And I have the will, the way and, the resolution.

I don’t need a revolution, this is simply evolution.

I Do....

Confusion of delusion, ultimately an elusive illusion.
Never clear enough to see through, never close enough to dispel or perhaps too close causing the unwell swell.
But rip it away, stripped bare, naked — —vulnerable and scared.
Suddenly aware there were never separate versions, simply illusory dispersions and desperate aversions.
Tired of hiding, standing up tall, let them look, I will not fall.
Finding comfort in just my own skin, knowing there's nothing to win, only so very much to lose.
It is my reality, maybe it's yours too —— only the solution matters and it is self evident.

I simply have to choose.
To be. Don't try. Just live.
Nothing to prove.
A simple choice in essence.
I Do.