Security Attacked

A false sense of security is giving me a very real sense of insecurity,

feeling so far from real, so very useless and so very ugly.

Wondering why it is that I always try,

and how much longer that I can deny,

the sickness that is within me, as it eats away my soul,

rendering me apart until I can no longer imagine the whole,

teasing me with rationality and lucidity,

only to prevent me from ever reaching normality.

Tell me how do I defend against such an attack?

Please, someone teach me how to bite it back.


Inspired by song "False Sense of Security" aka F.S.O.S. by The Exies.

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Shadow Light

Shadows light,

shadows bright,

shadows chase my soul tonight.

Well, for the moment I'm running just as fast as I can,

because I've been there before & don't want to live through that again.

But I am so tired, and I am running out of breath,

am I really that sure that the shadows bring death?

Perhaps if I stand very, very still, they will just pass me by,

maybe, instead, I should try to search for a place to hide.

No, No, you've never given up so easily before,

and now you have found something worth living for.

If you cannot run anymore, then turn around & fight,

face the shadows, and take back the night.

Yes I can, yes I will,

death be damned, it's my time to kill,

I am the Lorax, and I speak for me,

I will do whatever I must to live & live free.


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Princess of Dumb Mistakes

I am a princess, the princess of dumb mistakes,
lived within a rigid frame where nothing bends - it only breaks.

Not going to bed-hop, but I will not lie in the one I made,
and I will not lie in yours, no, I'll just build another because I am not afraid.
Going to stand up and fight until each of my demons is slain,
I will not hold back and I will not be restrained.
It is time now for me to fly, for me to be free,
to be a flexible, bendable, better version of me.

My Own Damn Boat

Strange how losing my mind ended up saving my life. 
Now that I'm done licking my wounds, I am ready to re-enter the strife,
because I'm stronger & I know just a little bit more,



then then I ever did before.
This time, I know that no matter how rocky it gets, I'll always stay afloat.
Because now I know that it has always been, & always will be, my own damn boat.That's right, my boat, to pilot to wherever I will.
The only danger now is that of standing still.

Evolving Solution

When life was just a game, I loved to play.

But suddenly it’s real — ultimately surreal.

And the stakes are higher than I ever thought they’d be.

There’s no endgame, but still a need for strategy.

They may patronize, but still I strategize for a goal I’ve yet to realize.

The pieces fit, I know this, I watched as they fell apart.

Never quite picked them up but I came alive —

Tabula Rasa, slightly faded and just a little jaded.

Started anew but now thinking I should go back.

Pick up those pieces and puzzle it out because

as I’ve been reflecting on the evidence I’ve been collecting,

I have seen so many memories I’ve been neglecting.

I knew so much more than I ever gave myself credit for.

I had the certainty that comes with clarity.

I simply lacked the confidence to bring it into reality.

So afraid of being mistaken that my whole world collapsed when it was suddenly shaken.

I chose to build a house of cards and for a long while it held high,

but it was never strong and I wasn’t meant to fly.

A puzzle, put together rationally, held together by confidence and unshakable belief

will withstand, because I finally understand.

I was never the problem, I am the solution.

And I have the will, the way and, the resolution.

I don’t need a revolution, this is simply evolution.

I Do....

Confusion of delusion, ultimately an elusive illusion.
Never clear enough to see through, never close enough to dispel or perhaps too close causing the unwell swell.
But rip it away, stripped bare, naked — —vulnerable and scared.
Suddenly aware there were never separate versions, simply illusory dispersions and desperate aversions.
Tired of hiding, standing up tall, let them look, I will not fall.
Finding comfort in just my own skin, knowing there's nothing to win, only so very much to lose.
It is my reality, maybe it's yours too —— only the solution matters and it is self evident.

I simply have to choose.
To be. Don't try. Just live.
Nothing to prove.
A simple choice in essence.
I Do.

Potential

Was just another stupid genius,

never considered how I'd hold up under the pressure,
sorry that I couldn't keep it together,
my soul melted as I burned so brightly,
guess you never believed that was my potential.
The sad thing is that it's something that I have always known,
and at some point, I just ceased to care,
l lived up to it just to prove I could, and would.
But I almost destroyed myself in proving that point,
and now I have nothing left,
nothing left to lose,
nothing left to prove.
And now I have everything,
everything to do again,
a second chance,
a chance to change,
rearrange my priorities,
and to remember that my potential is to just be me.

From Darkness to Life

The darkness of the night used to be my comfort,
a time I felt was all mine,
no prying eyes, no concerned voices,
just me and the stars burning bright.
But now I find that my mood becomes as dark as the hour of the night,
then as the sun rises, my mood lightens, & I start feeling alright,
and yet, still, I do not sleep,
though I am grateful that I no longer weep.
From despair to random acts of crying,
from fantasies of death to fantasies of actually trying,
from helpless indecision to a hopeful future vision,
from overwhelming anxiety to just plain fear,
from self-imposed isolation to talking with those I hold dear,
from painful existentialist ponderings to just being me.
from the depths of despair and the bowels of apathy,
I have climbed.
Now, I am clawing my up to being healthy & secure,
and I know that I'll make it, because now I know that I someone worth fighting for.

Looking For A Dream

Hello, out there, I am looking for dream. Is there anyone out there who knows what I mean?
Can I explain it, lay it on the line?
I am looking for a vision to occupy my time,
something to look forward to, something to long for,
some kind of aim, a direction, but really something more.
I need to finalize my plans, I need a dream,
these aimless wandering have me at the point where I need to scream.
He had a dream, how did he find it?
Show me a fire that hasn't already been lit,
or show me a firelight that I want to follow.
I am hungry, give me any dream to swallow,
without a dream I am alone and hollow.
Please help me, help me find a dream to follow.

Save Yourself

Wake up, no one is waiting to save you.
Face it, nobody is there to save you.
Find, or make, a method to your madness.
Create an outlet for you sadness -
let it all out for the world to see.
Do not hide within or you'll never be free.
Get up, move, go out and do something - anything.
Once you've found a path, you can begin to mend.

Bye-Bye Misery

If misery loves company,
she'll soon be very lonely.
Because I'd rather risk it all and be alone
then spend one more moment bowing at her throne.
Every moment wasted, is an opportunity lost:
Thus any risk taken is worth the cost.

Now or Never - Undecided

Now or Never

How will I laugh tomorrow when I can't even smile today?

Why should communicate when I have nothing to say?

I've spoken out before & learned that nobody hears.

Being intimate and being alone are my deepest fears,

a rock and a hard place, not where I want to be.

Choices must be made, but extremes are the only thing that I see.

All the options have been laid out, and all the variables defined,

no more excuses, but still I feel confined,

a prisoner of my doubts and insecurity,

unsure of the wisdom that begs to set me free.

I have come to the point of now or never,

but it seems that my indecision can, and will, last forever.

Train Tracks Home

Right train, wrong track,

Derailed, caused a lot of pain,

Band-Aids were not enough, sought protection in apathy,

Did not climb when I hit rock bottom, had to face reality,

Did not reach out, withdrew further within,

Took stupid risks, letting the universe decide if I lose or win,

Family scooped me up, brought me back into the fold,

Got me through the darkness, manic panic withhold,

Could not be more grateful, because I could not have done it on my own,

Happier now, now that I have finally found my home.